Control

I want to walk through a minefield. I want to hug a lightning conductor, on a stormy night. I want to sleep on a highway when it’s pitch black. I want to play a game of Russian roulette. These are things I wish I could do. I’m not self destructive, I just want to test my luck, and take it to the very extreme while doing so. But I don’t really believe in luck, so this is more about me wanting to see what happens when you as an individual gives up absolutely all forms of control, almost to the level of self destructiveness. The instances I gave earlier on, I do fantasize about, but only because I would never really do it, being the absolute control freak I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I can be very self destructive, but I would not leave it to chance to get me. I would control my ride down into destruction, because that’s the only sane solution to all us pathological control freaks. Don’t dis this away just yet. I don’t see what the problem is with an obsessive need to exercise control. Would you rather just be a passenger in your own life and a prisoner in your own mind?

The only times that this can get out of hand is when things aren’t going your way, and you feel like you’ve fallen into a pattern of failure. In which case, you decide to pilot your way into the ground, instead of trying to achieve the goals you set out to. Not surprisingly, this is because your need for being in control of the situation, supersedes your need to achieve your goals.

If you do not relate to this, well then good for you. This unhealthy addiction to control is stronger than you can fathom. And If you do relate to this, my heart goes out to you.